Today might be the first day, since quitting my j-o-b, that I actually felt a little bored. Maybe not so much bored - there is plenty to do - but maybe more restless. After the breakneck speed of last week, the reality of not having to do it all and having all the answers in five minutes or less is setting in. I'm not sure how to operate at this slower pace... it's been a long, long while since my head wasn't completely cluttered with noise.
I have to admit, however, now that it's getting real quiet up in there, some of the doubts have room to creep in. Not doubts about leaving my job - I haven't second-guessed that for a minute - but doubts about where I go from here. I'm putting an amazing amount of pressure on myself to do something SPECTACULAR - something life-changing - with the summer o' FUNemployment.
All around me I keep hearing these messages about leaping without a safety net, about not having a back-up plan or about how if you aren't scared, you aren't doing it right. I want to have that kind of confidence. Hell, my normal modus operandi is to leap before looking - I'll figure it out along the way. But the pragmatist in me (the very little bit there is) doesn't want to send my family into financial ruin.
Someone has to pay for my Michael Kors handbags.
There is, of course, a middle ground... take a j-o-b I want to do and launch my own business. It's not like doing both will kill me. I've been two full-time somethings as long as I can remember - sometimes three full-time somethings. And there is something so tempting about launching the business as a means to get my juju out there into the world without the added pressure of it being my lifeblood.
I guess, at the end of the day, it all comes back to my "No matter whats." If there is a j-o-b that meets all that criteria and doesn't cannibalize the head and heart space I need for my passion project (a new "No Matter What"), there is room for both in my life. Not sure that is a real likelihood, but I'm giving myself permission to explore without shame and permission to choose the path that works best for me and for my family.