It's been a strange week. In some ways it has been amazing... I had a bunch of coffee/breakfast/lunch dates with many great people, I picked up a second coaching client and I believe I have been gifted the perfect space to launch the SheHive prototype. But I also had dental surgery on Monday which entailed reshaping a sinus cavity that caused a bit of pain and a lot of dizziness throughout the week.
Having to scale back on activities as I healed exacerbated the fact that I am also feeling a bit adrift as the reality of having no real set schedule sets in. I find that I'm spending more time alone than is desirable for a highly-extraverted person like me. When I start spending more time inside my head than out with others my energy sources deplete quickly. By the time this last weekend ended, I was drained. All I wanted to do was sit in a chair, stare at the TV and eat ice cream.
I've had entire years of my life where all I wanted to do was sit, zone out and eat. It's frightening how quickly those old, self-destructive behaviors can rear their ugly head. So I forced myself to get out of the house and go to yoga Sunday night. Normally yoga is a treat, but this Sunday? This Sunday everything felt hard.
The Sunday night yogi, Nicole, is one of my favorites at the studio. Where so many of the other yogis use words like "yummy" during their practices, Nicole will tell you flat out, "This pose might suck for a while. That's okay. Sometimes life sucks. You'll make it through." That was the message I needed to hear tonight because it was in the midst of one of those sucky, but hold-it-for-three-minutes-anyway, poses that I felt it...
"Oh hey, there you are - brave girl who can do hard things. Welcome back."
On the mat tonight I remembered that I made the choice to not have a set schedule right now, so I can create exactly the schedule I want to have. And I remembered that I made the choice to not be at my old job in the midst of a bunch of people so that I could find my people - better yet, so I can make a place for them to gather. I remembered tonight that nothing is being done to me - that this was all a choice - and, by the way, I'm doing pretty fucking spectacular stuff with this choice.
Tonight I remembered that I am brave.
I don't know why I lost sight of my truth this week, but I'm pretty sure it won't be the last time. Sometimes life just gets hard and, I guess, when shit gets hard it feels easier to be a victim than to admit to yourself that you choose this life of uncertainty and muck and uneasiness in pursuit of something greater. It's a hard pill to swallow for me especially because, at my core, I reject the idea that life has to be hard to be spectacular.
But, I guess, sometimes it does and that's okay. Because this brave girl? She can do hard things.