I've been fucking with the same 5 pounds for what seems like for-evah now. I lose three, I gain two. I lose one, I gain four. The worst part is that I'm right on the precipice of a weight I haven't been since, like, high school and I really, really want to see that number on the scale.
I'm sure there is a very normal plateau in here somewhere but I also have had a mental block. I'm not feeling inspired which I wrote about almost a month ago (see?! for-evah!).
Stuff that used to feel really cool - like hip and rib bones that are suddenly "feel-able" again - don't feel so cool anymore. The novelty has worn off. This body that has been such a marvel to me over the six months is now "just" my body... A body that has some bones that are peaking out. A body that can cross its legs. And I guess that could be cool - this acceptance and ownership - except for the feeling that this is also a body that is just on the verge of "normal", but not quite there.
I laid in bed this last weekend and thought about it. "Is this it? Is this as far as I go?" The thought made me so sad. I expected more. But, without a goal or any inspiration, what can I really do?
Then I pulled up my (not-so) big girl panties and made the decision to GO. Inspiration be damned, I choose to not let this be the end of this journey. I went grocery shopping, stocked up on my low-fat cottage cheese and hummus, entered a Work Week Challenge on Fitbit and got back to the business of reclaiming my health.
Sometimes we just have to buckle down and do stuff that sucks.
I don't know what the next "whatever" looks like. I'll figure that out soon enough. Until then, I'm existing on sheer willpower. It's not a sustainable state, but it will get me through until I figure out the next big goal.
Thing is, we all do stuff that sucks all the time. Dishes? They suck. Paying bills? That certainly sucks. Not killing the asshole neighbor who leaves his dog tied to two tires in his backyard 16 hours a day? Really sucks. So why is it so hard to do stuff that sucks for yourself? Why can't I extend the grace I give the fucker next door to myself?
What graces have you extended to others that you won't allow yourself? Check that shit, my precious snowflakes, and please believe that you deserve better.